Dear Morgan. I want to tell you about your birth day. No, not
the ones where you get cake and candles but the very first one - when
you were born.

Wow, where to start?

Once upon a time...

Your Mum and Dad have always talked about wanting to have children,
not in a 'that would be nice' kind of way, but really, really,
really, wanting to have a child ever so much. So you see
right from the start you were wanted more than anything else in the
world.

However it wasn't going to be easy. The inside bits of your Mum where
babies start to grow weren't working very well and so although Mum and
Dad were trying very hard to get you started nothing was happening.
With the help of lots of Doctors and Nurses at the hospital your Mum's
insides finally started to behave properly. It hadn't been easy for
her, lots of different medicines and injections - some of which made
her feel very unwell - but she didn't give up, the thought of you
coming along kept her going.

The day before Lissy's birthday Mum and I had been out to visit
Amanda, Jamie, Lissy and Euan. It was late at night when we left, very
dark and cold. As we were on the way home Mum told me that the last
lot of injections had worked! Her insides were ready to go after all
this time, just one small problem. Your Mum had 36 hours to get you
started and your Dad wasn't in Edinburgh! He was away in London for
the week with work. Now I don't know how much you know about making
babies yet but to put it simply it needs Mum and Dad to be in the same
place at the same time - not 500 miles apart.

After all the waiting and treatment Mum and Dad weren't going to let
this chance slip away. So your Mum told me the plan. She was going to
take tomorrow off work, fly down to London to spend the night with Dad
and then fly back the next morning and go straight to work. Now that's
a lot of travelling - flying all that way in the hope that
this time you would be conceived.

Maybe Baby?

So now the waiting started - would it all have worked? Were you on the
way? It was very difficult for Mum and Dad because they were spending
so much time apart because of Dad's work. They wanted to be together
to give each other support and encouragement, to talk about how they
felt now that there was a chance of you coming along. Polly and
Keiddes gave Mum lots of cuddles but poor old Dad had to manage
without.

About three weeks later Mum was due for a check-up at the hospital -
they were to do a scan to look inside her to see if a baby had started
to grow or not. If not then it meant another batch of medicines for
Mum and having to try again, if there was something there it meant
that you were on the way. I was getting really nervous, but excited
about it. It was almost Christmas, was this to be Mum and Dad's last
Christmas without the baby that they wanted so much? What if it hadn't
worked? That would be so hard for them, especially with Christmas
being such a time for families.

I'd gone up to Mum and Dad's to have a bath as ours needed fixed. I
was fairly sure that it was that morning that Mum was due to go to the
hospital but not quite. Mum didn't say anything about it when I
arrived, she'd already run my bath for me (isn't she wonderful!) so I
gratefully clambered in. As I lay there I wondered about it - had I
just got my dates mixed up? Was it tomorrow instead? No, I was pretty
sure it was today. So how had it gone? Was it good news? Was it bad
news? If so I didn't want to ask - Mum might not want to talk about it
until she'd had a chance to talk to Dad, who was still away at work.

In the end I decided to just leave it up to your Mum, even though I
was dying to know. So there I was thinking about other things now and
enjoying my soak. Mum was sorting out washing and I could hear her
walking around the flat.

As I came out of the bathroom your Mum was just outside the door
hanging washing on the airer. I'm pregnant she said, just like
that, out of the blue. I must have looked really silly
because I just looked at her not quite believing what she'd said, it
wouldn't sink in properly. Then came a whole bunch of feelings,
firstly panic - just for a split second, what if it all goes wrong? I
couldn't bear the thought of that happening. After all this time and
effort it just had to work out for them. Then came the images of my
friends the year before with morning sickness and all the other lousy
sides to pregnancy, poor Lucy - all this still to come after all she's
been through already. Then finally, as we made our way through to the
sitting room with a mug of tea, came the realisation that it was the
start of a dream coming true.

Mum started to fill me in on the details, it was like I was
in a dream, that it wasn't really happening and that I'd wake up soon.
Eventually it sunk in - at long, long last you were on the way. Would
you be a boy or a girl? When would you be born? August 22nd was your
'due date', it seemed so far away then - still 'next year'. Hardly
anyone knew of your existence, I could tell Fuzz but no-one else, they
were waiting until you were about 12 weeks old before telling the
world. I'm glad I could tell Fuzz, as by the time I left to go home
I'd got to the point where the excitement of it all started to hit me,
I had to tell someone!

'Do you want to know a secret?'

The next few weeks were quite bizarre trying to keep quiet about you.
Mum and I spent quite a lot of time talking about your arrival and
what it would all involve. Mum had started doing a lot of reading
about pregnancy and childbirth - she wanted to make sure you had the
best possible start in life. She started feeling sick around Christmas
and New Year, which meant that Dan and Caroline had to be told as Mum
and Dad were staying with them in Ireland for Hogmanay.

Because no-one was being told about you just yet we had to keep
telling people that Mum had a tummy bug. Fortunately there was a bad
one doing the rounds so everyone believed us, at least at first. One
day Mum and Andy May were both at my flat when Andy told us that his
sister Jennifer was pregnant - due mid August! Excellent, we
replied desperately trying to keep straight faces, how is she? Oh
dear, not telling people was starting to get difficult.

One night round at Amanda's when Mum was upstairs telling Lissy and
Jamie a bedtime story Amanda asked me how Mum was. Amanda was getting
a bit worried that Mum had been so poorly for so long - was everything
ok? What to say? I was sure she'd guessed and was fishing for
information! I tried to persuade Amanda that the last lot of treatment
seemed to knock Mum for six and this was maybe why the sickness was
lasting so long. I'm not quite sure that she believed me even though
it was kind of true! It didn't matter in the end as Amanda had her
suspicions confirmed that night anyway. It certainly made life much
easier at our 'girlie nights' being able to talk about it all in the
open - in fact from then on you were the main topic of conversation!

About a week or so later a big crowd of us gathered at Mum and Dad's
for a meal, after which they announced your coming into the world. I
think by that point most people had guessed but hadn't liked to ask
just in case they were wrong. Then just to prove the point that at
long last she really was pregnant your Mum had to make a mad dash to
the loo to be very sick - just as conversation had gone quiet
in the sitting room, so we all got the full sound effects. Not much
fun for Mum - or Dad who cleaned it all up!

Insides out!

Poor old Mum, the morning sickness was really morning, noon and night
sickness and it lasted for about five months. She never went anywhere
without a bag to be sick into. When Kiedes was sick it made her sick
too so she would have two lots to clean up! When Dad was at home he
looked after her and cooked all her food, as sometimes just the smell
of cooking could be too much - but she had to eat to feed you! You
were growing all the time, on the first scan picture you can hardly
tell that you are a baby but by the second one, just a few weeks
later, you were very obviously a little person.

Then your Mum asked me, would I be her birth partner? This meant that
I would be with her when you were born if Dad wasn't able to get home
from work quickly enough. Of course I would! Mum and Amanda were
worried that being there might put me off having children but as I
wasn't planning on having any anyway I didn't think that mattered. As
it was, being so involved with your birth has made the whole thing
seem not quite so scary, so you never know, by the time you're old
enough to read this for yourself you might have another playmate - but
no promises!

So that I understood what was going on inside your Mum, I started to
read some of your Mum's books. It still seemed a bit unreal, there
wasn't much of bump yet to show that you existed, just a couple of
scan pictures. We'd started talking about whether you would be a boy
or a girl. What would you be called (Mum and Dad never did agree on a
girls name so it was just as well you are a boy!), what needed to be
done to the flat before you were born, and the big question - where
would you be born?

There was so much to do, so much to be decided, yet August 22nd still
seemed a long time away.

Trips to New York and Zakynthos were made with an ever growing bump,
you did more travelling abroad in those first nine months inside your
Mum than I did in my first 25 years! The African theme for your room
grew stronger with a herd of giraffes gradually migrating to 30
Shandon Place, big ones, small ones, wooden ones, fluffy ones, all
heading for your bedroom.

By this time Mum had read lots of books and talked on-line to people
about giving birth to you at home rather than in a hospital. She
passed on things to your Dad and I to read too. The more we learnt
about it the better it seemed for everyone for you to be born at home.
The midwives that helped Mum throughout her pregnancy with you were
happy about this but said that they could only promise to do this for
up to 10 days after your due date. This date was the day of the
Festival Fireworks, to be followed the day after by the Grand Prix.
Well that was it, Mum was now convinced that she would go into labour
during the fireworks (just in time to still be at home!) and give
birth during the Grand Prix.

'Ch ch ch changes...'

Slowly but surely the spare bedroom became the new office and the old
office was to become your bedroom. The name Morgan Rowan became the
firm favourite, and the bump kept growing.

The birthing pool was booked and then collected. A strange assortment
of large bags and a huge bucket sat around the house. New furniture
was ordered and sat in the sitting room until your bedroom was
decorated - the place felt very strange, everything was changing. Mum
was starting get tired very easily, there was so much to do still and
the time for your arrival was getting closer.

Then things started to fall into place, your room looked great, the
sitting room seemed enormous after everything had been put
back to normal - which was just as well as that was where the birthing
pool was to be put up.

Time, which had seemed to be going so slowly, suddenly seemed to speed
up - your due date was approaching fast. Mum and I talked more about
your birth and decided that I would be around even if Dad was too.

Kylie was now staying in your bedroom for a few weeks giving Mum lots
of help. It was great that she could be there, it meant that Dad
didn't have to worry about Mum being on her own.

Kylie is very good at organising fun things, like the 'pool party' we
had - the three of us sitting in the pool in our swimming cozzies,
drinking champagne and playing with the coolest yellow duck in town.
When Amanda, Jamie, Lissy and Euan came round they thought it was very
funny. Lissy couldn't believe how big Mum's bump had got as it didn't
normally show as much as that.

Another thing that we did was to visit an incredible inflatable tent
that was in Edinburgh for the festival. We wandered around inside it
amazed by the soft colours created by the sunlight coming through
coloured panels and pillars. It was very calming and relaxing. Coming
outside into the hustle and bustle of the world was quite a shock to
the system, was this what being born was going to be like for you?
Coming out of a cosy, peaceful, gently lit place where time stands
still into outside world? It made all the plans for soft lights,
gentle music and the water birth so much more meaningful. Of course
that would be easier for you than the bright lights and noise of a
hospital. You would be coming straight into your home where
you are loved and wanted, surrounded by those who eagerly await your
arrival, not by strangers to whom you would be just another baby.

Many more things happened in the last few days, the meal out at the
Guru, a Cabaret lunch in The Spiegeltent, swimming with Kate, who
still had Siân inside her, not to mention the last minute
cleaning and tidying.

'The final countdown'

Your due date of August 22nd came and went, still no baby. Kylie and I
went with Mum to the hospital on Friday 31st - we listened to your
heartbeat and saw you moving around on the scanner. We had to shut our
eyes as the midwife scanned the bit that would show whether you were a
boy or a girl, just in case we found out what you were going to be
before you were born. Mum and Dad wanted to find that out for
themselves together and as Dad wasn't there we just had to wait. As we
were leaving another appointment was made for the following Tuesday,
we were all convinced we wouldn't be back, after all it was the Grand
Prix on Sunday!

Saturday 1st September - every time the phone rang my tummy did
somersaults, was this it? Needless to say it wasn't. I was so
convinced though that it would be this weekend, I spent the day
cooking and baking so that there would be food made for tomorrow, even
if I was up at Mum and Dad's. I knew that giving birth could take a
very long time, it had taken my colleagues' baby three days to come
out - I hoped that you would be quicker, so did Mum.

Festival Fireworks time came along and Kylie and I went up to
Craighouse with Mum and Dad to watch them. We had a radio with us to
listen to the concert being played in Princes Street Gardens. There
were stars and stripes in the fireworks that were very impressive, to
go along with music by Gershwin and Copeland plus lots of others that
your Dad will be able to tell you all about. The drizzle got heavier
and we all got wetter but we still stayed to the end.

On the way back down the hill Mum had to stop and sit on a wall for a
bit, Kylie and I carried on and watched a boat on the canal go under
the bridge. Well that was the fireworks over and no sign of labour
starting just yet - so the first part of the prediction hadn't come
true, but what would tomorrow bring? There was a strange feeling in
the air that night, maybe it was just the combination of the fireworks
and the misty rain, but I think we all knew it wouldn't be long now. I
didn't like to say goodbye and go home, but knew that the most helpful
thing that I could do just then was go and get some sleep so I would
be ready for that phone call, whenever it came.

Sunday 2nd September 2001

The next morning arrived. I was supposed to be helping with the
children during a meeting at the Quaker Meeting House after lunch. I'd
phoned around some friends to find someone who could step in at the
last minute if need be. David agreed, his son Benjamin had been born
earlier in the year so he knew only too well how hard it was to
predict such things. Ben had been a very large baby, Mum hoped that
you'd be smaller.

I rang David after breakfast, no news yet I told him, but
today could well be the day. Just in case I had to go straight to
Mum and Dad's I packed your Mum's books to give back to her and my
patchwork to keep me busy. It was a beautiful day, warm and sunny, if
a little breezy - much better than last night.

My bus was late so instead of going in to Meeting for Worship I sat
and did some of my patchwork and chatted to the people in the
children's group. I was telling them all about you, little did I know
that by this time the midwives were already with your Mum and Dad and
you were well on your way. At lunch time there was a table full of
things for sale including sweet peas from Pat and Phil's garden out in
Stenton so I bought a bunch to take round for Mum later on.

I was hoping that there would be no children left after lunch so that
I could leave. I watched those that had been there in the morning go
and was just about to sneak away when a whole family turned up for the
afternoon meeting. Ho hum, never mind.

About an hour later my phone rang - my tummy did a backwards
summersault as I dug my phone out of my bag 'Fuzz' was the name
showing - 'oh well, not yet then' I thought as I answered. You've
got to phone Martin, Lucy has gone into labour! he tells me -
somehow Dad hadn't been able to get through to me. So phone I did, my
knees wobbling like jelly and my hands shaking - I couldn't quite
believe that it was all happening - Mum had been right all along,
Grand Prix Sunday! I was so excited but very nervous.

Once David had arrived to take over with the children I ran and
grabbed a taxi. The taxi driver was wonderful - his wife had had all
three of their kids at home, best way to do it he said, calming down
my nerves. I knew all that anyway but panic was starting to creep in a
bit now it was all happening.

Coming ready or not!

Mum wasn't wanting anyone else in the room with here when I arrived so
I sat in the kitchen with Kylie. We could hear Mum through in the
sitting room - she was in the pool telling you not to push so hard to
get out. It was to early for you to come out, her body wasn't ready
yet and what's more the midwives were out for their lunch! Dad was
getting anxious that they were taking so long to come back, maybe he
was worried he'd have to deliver you all by himself. If I'd realised
how little time was left I know I would have been!

Kylie looked after us, making sure we all had something to eat. I went
through to the computer to re-read the birth plan and the information
about homoeopathic remedies that Mum could take. I read through it all
with tears in my eyes, please let it all go smoothly and here at home.
Reading about hospital transfers and things going wrong was
heartbreaking - it hit me again really hard what an incredible amount
of trust Mum was putting in me to be there for her. That was it, time
for me to get my act together - I was no use to anyone being a
gibbering wreck in the office. A quick dose of 'rescue remedy' and I
went back to face the world, ready for anything.

The midwives Evelyn and Ramona were back. They had Kylie and I boiling
kettles to top up the pool and heating up towels on the radiators, it
felt like something out of a storybook. You were back to front inside
your Mum which wasn't making things very easy for you or her. We had
no idea how much longer things would take, hours? days? We hadn't seen
Dad for what felt like ages, and Evelyn popped in and out so quickly
we never got the chance to ask. I sat doing my patchwork and Kylie and
I chatted, she'd been up half the night along with Mum and Dad so
after a while she went off to get some rest.

I carried on sewing - I'd started the quilt at Easter, Mum and I had
decided we should do something creative together on our Mondays off,
she was going to finish at least one of her tapestries and I was to
make a (small) patchwork quilt. Our aim was to get them done before
you were born, umm, how about Christmas?

A small cry - I stopped. What was that? Polly? Kiedes? It certainly
didn't sound like Mum. The next thing I knew a very excited Ramona was
beckoning me through to the sitting room. Kylie was at the door too -
we went through and there in the pool were Mum and Dad.... and you.
You! Morgan Rowan. Mum introduced you to us, so proud and positively
glowing. Dad was looking chuffed to bits, if a bit tearful. The
feeling of love and joy in the room was so strong, the dimmed lights
adding to the atmosphere of warmth and welcoming. What a wonderful
entrance into the world.

'Into the great wide open...'

You know the next bit is all higgledy-piggledy in my memory. I know
Kylie and I gave each other a big hug and I gave you, Mum and Dad a
kiss and somehow managed to find and operate the digital camera. I
could hardly see as my eyes were full of tears, maybe you've never
been so happy that you've cried yet, I hope one day you are, so that
you can feel what it was like for us. There you were, a little miracle
- all births are a miracle but you more so, you were there against the
odds, you'd arrived into this world without any help or drugs. You
missed the end of the Grand Prix though, but we'll let you off.

The water in the pool was a bit too deep so Mum and Dad climbed out.
You were still attached to Mum by your umbilical cord that needed cut.
Would I do it? Gulp - I hadn't expected that! It was the weirdest
thing, the cord was a yellowy colour, the thickness of a hosepipe, and
about as easy to cut! I'm sure those scissors were blunt. I don't know
quite what I'd expected but it looked so out of place that cutting it
away felt fine, I was worried about stabbing you with the scissors as
I was cutting so close to your body. It felt like it had taken ages to
cut all the way through, then there you were - complete with a little
yellow clip where your tummy button is now, cradled again in your
Mum's arms.

Dad took you on a tour of the house - Keiddes came to say hello, but
Polly was too shy. Mum still had to get the placenta that you had
grown in out from inside her. It took longer than we expected but it
did mean that I got to hold you much sooner than I ever thought I
would.

It was amazing holding you in my arms. You were wrapped in one of
Dad's t-shirts. I sat on the sofa gazing at you in wonder, your eyes
were wide open, you were aware of noises around you - especially when
Dad came to take a picture. Your hair was starting to stick up on end
a bit so I smoothed it down and stroked the side of your face. Time
stood still. Here in my arms was a tiny wee soul just starting on his
journey in to the world, I loved you to bits already.

And they all lived happily ever after...

The rest of the day was timewarped, hours felt like minutes. I stayed
until the midwives had left sometime around nine. Mum, Dad and Kylie
were all really tired - it had been a long day for them and an
emotional one for all of us.

That day still doesn't feel quite real, in some ways it is so clear in
my memory yet at the same time slightly distant, as though it wasn't
really me who was there but as though it's something I remember from
watching a film or reading a book. What I remember most is the sense
of love and amazement at your arrival into the world that held all of
us enthralled. Wow.

Thank you, for choosing to come into the world to be with us, and
letting me be part of your life.

With much love always,

Anna xx